I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
