Texts From Last Night

Best Nights of the Week

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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.

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  (256): Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention. http://tfl.nu/44p2
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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  (515): Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day http://tfl.nu/z36i
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school

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  (414): i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school http://tfl.nu/pd3u
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  (760): View more from California

  Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.

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  (760): Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove. http://tfl.nu/hs8c
  Replies (6) Good night (765) Bad night (156)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.

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  (+61): I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad. http://tfl.nu/47hi
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  May the force be with you.

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  (847): bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died. (309): May the force be with you. http://tfl.nu/776r
  Replies (4) Good night (756) Bad night (113)
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!

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  (787): Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud! http://tfl.nu/y0cl
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  (925): View more from California

  i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.

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  (925): i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking. http://tfl.nu/rb0f
  Replies (5) Good night (724) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"

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  (306): dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high" http://tfl.nu/ssrm
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Heroically.

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  (262): Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night? (505): Heroically. http://tfl.nu/ycud
  Replies (3) Good night (711) Bad night (107)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.

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  (302): On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better. http://tfl.nu/rs0b
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset

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  (262): Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset http://tfl.nu/8p8i
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.

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  (479): Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing. http://tfl.nu/uted
  Replies (2) Good night (688) Bad night (101)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Maybe

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  (843): Bring a bathing suit and your good liver. (1-843): My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice? (843): Maybe http://tfl.nu/53dg
  Replies (4) Good night (676) Bad night (112)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.

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  (416): cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home. http://tfl.nu/bx4b
  Replies (3) Good night (658) Bad night (132)