I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
