i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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