he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
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It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize