Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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