He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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