The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
