the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
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he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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