Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
