My sheets look like a crime scene.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
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Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
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holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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