So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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