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I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
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