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this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Randomize
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