(317): i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

(301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): Get out now.

(856): My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?

(+61): You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.

(406): Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid

(989): If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): I resent that

(865): She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

(512): Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

(1-512): Did she say Ok?

(913): Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays

(201): so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it

(207): Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

(630): Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): I love you bro

(740): I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.

(1-740): I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..

(832): I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.

(612): I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...

(410): Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.

(770): Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.

(407): woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.

(207): I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring

(514): Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?