(727): I'm too stoned to come over for sex
(813): Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
(727): I'll be right over
Aug 2, 2013
(425): And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
May 18, 2016
(905): FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Sep 20, 2009
(850): so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Jan 5, 2010
(203): so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Aug 5, 2010
(734): those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
(269): ...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
May 20, 2009
(859): You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Aug 28, 2012
(305): does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Jan 25, 2011
(386): Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Sep 21, 2010
(717): This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
May 5, 2017
(847): Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dec 16, 2015
(703): I'm going to jail i love you
Apr 23, 2009
(604): I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Sep 26, 2012
(321): He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Jun 5, 2014
(205): It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Jun 6, 2010
(615): and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
(615): which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
May 4, 2014
(530): sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dec 7, 2011
(409): I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Feb 8, 2011
(901): She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Aug 10, 2011
(604): My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dec 13, 2011