(214): 1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you

(832): Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome

(705): So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.

(217): i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

(716): On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar

(1-716): I think you broke the trashy scale

(804): I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

(219): U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

(408): I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.

(508): Drugs are gluten free tho, right?

(603): he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??

(707): It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.

(904): Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.

(505): How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on

(616): Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me

(250): was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?

(914): I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.

(904): show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened

(440): eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(

(1-440): just blow him with soup in your mouth.

(310): now i know why i became what i already was.

(609): Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City