(775): We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before

(775): hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class

(215): I too understand the importance of cheesy bread

(706): I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.

(815): Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

(773): He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.

(330): i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

(614): My vagina agrees.

(858): Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

(814): His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.

(813): Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.

(347): I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.

(401): want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

(254): He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him

(909): Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?

(318): Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?

(402): I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of

(518): MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.

(480): my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station

(503): Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.

(503): Livin the dream

(650): Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.