(613): My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?

(412): Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out

(585): It's a post jail date

(201): If you need anything just hit me up

(845): Pancakes

(201): Noted.

(719): I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits

(601): Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?

(1-601): I'm coming right back.

(650): I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.

(650): i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick

(601): We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

(507): Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.

(734): I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.

(609): so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.

(978): The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years

(636): I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.

(636): And then audibly agreed

(248): I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers

(708): worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?

(630): ...I don't remember telling you about that but yes

(229): No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.

(678): If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure

(812): my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone

(708): we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon

(253): He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.