(615): We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.

(502): Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.

(973): How has he not realized you're pregnant?

(201): Spanx.

(631): meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.

(516): wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!

(631): aww shit wrong text.

(707): Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth

(314): I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?

(505): The responsible thing...show them the break room.

(623): He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.

(617): His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

(212): Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods

(289): how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???

(618): I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.

(323): I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.

(804): you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

(619): I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

(616): The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.

(248): I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.

(917): It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall

(586): Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?

(317): His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...

(516): You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.

(651): My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife