(312): You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oct 15, 2015
(785): Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Jun 22, 2011
(248): we have pet lesbian snakes
Mar 28, 2009
(608): That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Oct 14, 2014
(301): Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dec 14, 2011
(+44): I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
May 23, 2015
(570): well ya only live once...
(1-570): that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
May 27, 2017
(401): It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Nov 26, 2011
(+61): She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Jul 22, 2009
(313): I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
(313): I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dec 19, 2009
(281): I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Feb 1, 2010
(575): Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Jun 29, 2014
(818): It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Feb 11, 2014
(516): matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Mar 18, 2011
(306): I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Nov 29, 2009
(+44): I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Feb 10, 2012
(706): So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
(404): I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
(706): Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
May 14, 2009
(248): Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
(1-248): I don't know what to say
Aug 17, 2013
(413): I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
(908): It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sep 9, 2011
(989): Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Apr 27, 2012