(512): So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.

(251): Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.

(801): I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.

(989): This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.

(303): i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.

(856): I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.

(604): 7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!

(905): All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind

(443): I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.

(660): I have a hunch Mama J got around.

(660): Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?

(315): Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.

(1-315): How small IS your cock?

(970): Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag

(617): It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.

(325): That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.

(454): Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me

(817): No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.

(706): When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between

(267): I just vodka nap now...

(209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

(770): He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.

(480): This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.