(612): Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.

(903): I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED

(512): Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.

(479): You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.

(405): do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?

(405): or abortion recommendation cards.

(857): Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.

(857): Only if you died obviously.

(202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

(219): That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.

(516): Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.

(770): She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

(506): The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker

(586): I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.

(239): you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.

(773): Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.

(804): I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?

(778): There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater

(714): I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.

(720): I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it

(858): WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): You're High aren't you?

(858): Sooooo high

(616): I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct