(608): Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

(248): we're blogging at a bar

(618): I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.

(856): This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.

(801): The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.

(801): The girl neighbor.

(201): It was pathetic and I was covered in butter

(906): Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

(707): You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.

(856): NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF

(916): The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.

(858): Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.

(813): Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa

(954): Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?

(250): do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?

(1-250): tequila

(647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

(307): I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.

(703): I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...

(301): Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

(863): I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.

(412): My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night