(250): my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.

(408): I can't trust your balls anymore.

(314): I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high

(909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

(318): That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

(607): Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour

(914): so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life

(720): I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

(440): You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude

(315): so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese

(315): here comes the puke

(845): He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest

(662): it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.

(519): I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.

(518): True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.

(1-518): True? Did she teach you things?

(518): She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.

(650): Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.

(918): It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.

(315): Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.

(864): Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.

(703): I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge

(713): It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.