(740): i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina

(212): You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.

(778): I wish life had little blips of pornography

(704): I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.

(816): If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.

(306): I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.

(910): I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.

(910): Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.

(812): If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife

(806): You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on

(661): new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

(615): I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.

(519): i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

(360): ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.

(425): are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?

(417): And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?

(408): I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate

(603): How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??

(253): Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.

(202): Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?

(757): Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?

(402): Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.