(310): so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

(206): My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete

(877): Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik

(877): Lyk hr kuds 4

(607): I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.

(613): I want to stick my p in your. b.

(785): Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.

(608): he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.

(607): I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.

(514): Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake

(910): me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.

(585): I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun

(716): Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?

(612): So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?

(319): will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?

(336): He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.

(828): last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.

(705): Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.

(803): I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)

(815): Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.

(617): I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.

(419): You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.