(901): I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.

(740): I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.

(401): Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments

(1-401): I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.

(570): I have major gossip for you.

(1-570): Oh no, did you have sex last night?

(570): If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.

(416): cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.

(530): My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

(503): All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?

(978): Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

(248): do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): RUDE.

(248): I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): outsmarted mickey deeeees

(905): I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.

(719): hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.

(423): Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.

(949): went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.

(408): Your text makes more sense read in reverse.

(208): its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they

(301): i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

(775): Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.

(905): I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.

(859): Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

(408): Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?