(401): Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.

(901): I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.

(928): I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.

(+31): Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

(334): All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.

(202): Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.

(301): Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.

(913): omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand

(509): why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?

(978): You had me at "let me see your balls"

(780): So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?

(303): that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall

(514): Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick

(904): Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.

(305): Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.

(979): I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.

(502): i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid

(307): yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP

(812): For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor

(360): Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.