(717): There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity

(215): She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.

(303): They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.

(605): I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies

(406): I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.

(914): And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that

(267): I woke up naked with my work shoes on

(519): He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.

(802): Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.

(850): If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again

(580): I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox

(778): When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.

(425): I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.

(607): Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.

(203): Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship

(912): I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers

(843): Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.

(707): I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.

(205): This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods

(213): i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.