(254): You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before

(805): Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

(609): Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.

(679): My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..

(603): I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.

(720): Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!

(860): Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

(504): How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): omg mom no

(504): It's so blood brotha crip what be good

(434): he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him

(215): I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there

(+44): fuck you

(+44): also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo

(518): its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

(309): He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.

(540): I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.

(217): I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa

(570): there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.

(404): I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing

(612): Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster

(801): "Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.

(678): You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.