(703): So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

(613): You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

(412): We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"

(708): We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

(409): The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.

(718): We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game

(519): We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents

(1-519): I'm down.

(774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

(267): We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out

(217): I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.

(570): she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time

(260): I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

(410): i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

(519): This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.

(646): So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

(603): I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.

(732): used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick

(732): i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.

(406): You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.

(1-406): That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.

(902): This guy has a retainer. We're golden.

(317): Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.