(647): look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.

(207): Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?

(773): I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.

(303): The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.

(484): the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.

(647): Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

(419): omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people

(770): She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

(949): it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

(814): His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.

(330): I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision

(661): Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"

(703): Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"

(913): you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

(617): there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

(610): Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?

(742): What happened last night?

(1-742): You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.

(561): Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?

(720): BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?

(618): College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.

(1-618): This is true but you can't really get fired from college