(914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

(818): Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party

(202): I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

(317): Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.

(314): sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire

(415): You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

(406): I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me

(915): at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

(815): The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd

(401): I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish

(630): So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.

(803): this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie

(980): Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

(281): A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.

(574): should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?

(201): we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .

(707): Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.

(647): Stop fucking Sharon's exes.

(416): Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.

(417): You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.

(217): Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): Don't worry about it.