(610): So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.

(518): Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.

(815): It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.

(815): Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.

(973): who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?

(406): You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching

(732): Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

(847): can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...

(267): Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend

(267): I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.

(336): Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here

(847): She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night

(610): he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.

(+61): When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.

(513): I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.

(701): the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'

(610): I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom

(501): You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.

(386): I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.

(647): My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place

(248): Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.