(614): Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sep 8, 2016
(904): Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Mar 16, 2011
(330): She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Oct 26, 2009
(520): She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Nov 26, 2013
(973): Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Mar 26, 2012
(602): I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Oct 26, 2013
(865): An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Jun 15, 2015
(315): I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Jul 17, 2017
(402): I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sep 20, 2014
(203): I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Feb 22, 2013
(+47): I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Apr 15, 2010
(519): He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Jul 31, 2014
(307): The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Jun 23, 2015
(740): You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Oct 6, 2015
(862): textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
(973): that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
May 14, 2009
(843): I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dec 12, 2011
(563): However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Oct 10, 2012
(215): i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Jun 17, 2009
(239): In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Mar 31, 2011
(787): He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Feb 28, 2011