(661): i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me

(410): was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long

(310): That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI

(407): I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.

(904): Yeah he's good at that.

(608): If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.

(630): I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

(402): Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

(660): And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.

(847): Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state

(214): In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision

(603): I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament

(678): When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

(860): btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......

(509): I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.

(503): I'm your Election Erection Connection

(860): I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.

(707): Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.

(203): the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake

(860): For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week

(206): I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.

(248): I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is