An archive of the texts no one remembers sending.
(661)
: i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Oct 29, 2009
(410)
: was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Apr 17, 2011
(310)
: That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dec 19, 2011
(407)
: I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
(904)
: Yeah he's good at that.
Jan 1, 2012
(608)
: If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Jul 10, 2009
(630)
: I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Apr 9, 2010
(402)
: Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Mar 1, 2011
(660)
: And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Sep 25, 2009
(847)
: Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Apr 23, 2009
(214)
: In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Jun 12, 2014
(603)
: I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Nov 30, 2009
(678)
: When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Oct 2, 2010
(860)
: btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Aug 4, 2013
(509)
: I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Aug 5, 2010
(503)
: I'm your Election Erection Connection
(860)
: I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nov 7, 2012
(707)
: Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Jun 6, 2014
(203)
: the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Jun 1, 2009
(860)
: For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Aug 29, 2017
(206)
: I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Jul 25, 2009
(248)
: I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Jul 12, 2011
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