I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
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You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night