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there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Did I show you my penis last night?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
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