Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Florida (941)

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  (941): View more from Florida

  I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.

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  (941): I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged. http://tfl.nu/0scq
  Replies (2) Good night (1758) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.

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  I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.

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  (941): So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar. (941): I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket. http://tfl.nu/b83h
  Replies (4) Good night (396) Bad night (533)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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  (941): Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything. http://tfl.nu/u3ar
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?

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  (941): Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass? http://tfl.nu/sdtw
  Replies (4) Good night (1675) Bad night (532)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting

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  (941): I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting http://tfl.nu/c2bq
  Replies (5) Good night (1047) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I was born with a shot glass in my hand

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  (941): I was born with a shot glass in my hand http://tfl.nu/41xg
  Replies (30) Good night (3426) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

  (941): View more from Florida

  I was attacked by whores

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

  (941): View more from Florida

  They were strong whores

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  (609): How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club? (941): I was attacked by whores (609): You threw up on yourself again didn't you? (941): They were strong whores http://tfl.nu/xoz8
  Replies (7) Good night (1914) Bad night (481)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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  (941): Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil. http://tfl.nu/r5gy
  Replies (1) Good night (1831) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo

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  (941): The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo http://tfl.nu/icnx
  Replies (6) Good night (1204) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation

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  (941): Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation http://tfl.nu/t0q4
  Replies (14) Good night (1531) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS

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  (941): I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off (1-941): Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS http://tfl.nu/yudy
  Replies (6) Good night (1203) Bad night (437)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.

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  (941): I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies. http://tfl.nu/7vuv
  Replies (4) Good night (1352) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.

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  (941): I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention. http://tfl.nu/43cq
  Replies (8) Good night (996) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.

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  (941): Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door. http://tfl.nu/cryx
  Replies (5) Good night (242) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.

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  (941): Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game. http://tfl.nu/smzi
  Replies (7) Good night (820) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt