Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Texas (903)

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  (903): View more from Texas

  So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants

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  (903): So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants http://tfl.nu/066x
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  I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"

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  (903): I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk" http://tfl.nu/2chc
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  He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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  (903): He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered... http://tfl.nu/skgw
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  I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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  (903): I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink. http://tfl.nu/zmqp
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  I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.

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  (903): I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again. http://tfl.nu/pun6
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  The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.

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  (903): The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover. http://tfl.nu/9bmt
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  Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

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  (903): Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay http://tfl.nu/z5xx
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  Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe

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  (903): Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe http://tfl.nu/shgh
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  Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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  (903): Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later http://tfl.nu/a1zy
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  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
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  Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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  (903): Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later. http://tfl.nu/bq2x
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  How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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  (903): How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number? http://tfl.nu/4q6h
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  The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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  (903): The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while. http://tfl.nu/y23x
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  I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes

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  (903): I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes http://tfl.nu/cr2r
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  she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness

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  (903): she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness http://tfl.nu/pvnd
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