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I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
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