Texts From Last Night

Last Night in California (831)

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  (831): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.

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  (831): I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger. http://tfl.nu/whys
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  She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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  (831): She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock" http://tfl.nu/hp1z
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  high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.

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  (831): high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth. http://tfl.nu/l561
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  I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.

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  (831): I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible. http://tfl.nu/g067
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  I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.

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  (831): I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures. http://tfl.nu/n0ak
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  if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please

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  (831): if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please http://tfl.nu/sfv9
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  Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE

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  (831): Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE http://tfl.nu/2zmk
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  Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur

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  (831): Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur http://tfl.nu/smm5
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  She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester

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  (831): She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester http://tfl.nu/csr6
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  Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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  (831): Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance http://tfl.nu/d5xa
  Replies (14) Good night (2864) Bad night (446)
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  im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public

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  (831): im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public http://tfl.nu/cxwk
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  my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.

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  (831): my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens. http://tfl.nu/mq1e
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  After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"

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  (831): After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!" http://tfl.nu/os8d
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  tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better

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  (831): tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better http://tfl.nu/2cpz
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  I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.

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  Promise??

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  (916): I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird. (831): Promise?? http://tfl.nu/1nt5
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