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Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
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