Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Texas (512)

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  I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.

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  (512): I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight. http://tfl.nu/hr3p
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  She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.

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  (512): She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on. http://tfl.nu/lja4
  Replies (17) Good night (591) Bad night (1069) Order T-Shirt
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  I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.

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  (512): I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you. http://tfl.nu/ug9a
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  I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.

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  (512): I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out. http://tfl.nu/qokz
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  Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me

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  (512): Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me http://tfl.nu/ce08
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  Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.

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  (512): Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back. http://tfl.nu/xf8c
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  Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.

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  (512): Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery. http://tfl.nu/4491
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  While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.

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  (512): While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before. http://tfl.nu/erll
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  I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?

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  (512): I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high? http://tfl.nu/rga0
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  Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.

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  (512): Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise. http://tfl.nu/frpb
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  I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.

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  (512): I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air. http://tfl.nu/cigy
  Replies (8) Good night (1769) Bad night (369)
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  My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"

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  (512): My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!" http://tfl.nu/srq7
  Replies (7) Good night (2848) Bad night (380)
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  So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.

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  (512): So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands. http://tfl.nu/oa75
  Replies (6) Good night (1265) Bad night (547)
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  We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.

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  (512): We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings. http://tfl.nu/68bg
  Replies (5) Good night (583) Bad night (308) Order T-Shirt
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  We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."

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  (512): We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get." http://tfl.nu/dl94
  Replies (1) Good night (1302) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt