Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Alberta, CA (403)

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  Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.

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  (403): Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know. http://tfl.nu/4rlg
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  Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.

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  (403): Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over. http://tfl.nu/puou
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  Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours

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  (403): Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours http://tfl.nu/wscg
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  But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.

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  (403): But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though. http://tfl.nu/bq7u
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  we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background

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  (403): we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background http://tfl.nu/seul
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  Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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  (403): Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now http://tfl.nu/l7gb
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  In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?

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  (403): In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong? http://tfl.nu/dmf6
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  oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.

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  (403): oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker. http://tfl.nu/xtlj
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  I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.

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  (403): I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress. http://tfl.nu/setw
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  I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.

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  (403): I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever. http://tfl.nu/fqiq
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  Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally

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  (403): Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally http://tfl.nu/hf6w
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  also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.

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  (403): also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy. http://tfl.nu/tn0z
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  You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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  (403): You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something? http://tfl.nu/hj44
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  I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween

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  (403): I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween http://tfl.nu/vo8h
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  Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

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  (403): Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one. http://tfl.nu/ek2z
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