Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Ohio (740)

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  Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.

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  (740): Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake. http://tfl.nu/l7w3
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  Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.

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  (740): Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina. http://tfl.nu/wkh7
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  I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.

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  (740): I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of. http://tfl.nu/s19w
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  This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.

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  (740): This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod. http://tfl.nu/pyaj
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  I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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  (740): I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever. http://tfl.nu/glym
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  The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.

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  (740): The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting. http://tfl.nu/j3yf
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  besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?

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  (740): besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right? http://tfl.nu/pxhk
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  I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums

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  (740): I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums http://tfl.nu/g3fl
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  Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?

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  (740): Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe? http://tfl.nu/3oc2
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  I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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  (740): I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots" http://tfl.nu/pkth
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  As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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  (740): As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there. http://tfl.nu/knxy
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  I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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  (740): I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face. http://tfl.nu/v2r4
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  I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.

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  (740): I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am. http://tfl.nu/gox1
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  If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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  (740): If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure. http://tfl.nu/7lqe
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  your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.

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  (740): your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head. http://tfl.nu/v5j8
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