Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Minnesota (612)

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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there

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  (612): Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there http://tfl.nu/59ui
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  So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age

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  Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity

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  (612): So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age (612): Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity http://tfl.nu/l9mx
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche

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  (612): I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche http://tfl.nu/ro2o
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  If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.

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  (612): If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home. http://tfl.nu/rwle
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  He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

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  It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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  (612): He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket. (1-651): It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm. http://tfl.nu/ei3h
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It's like the Christmas morning of dicks

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  (612): I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep. (651): It's like the Christmas morning of dicks http://tfl.nu/nghh
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  She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?

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  (612): She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy? http://tfl.nu/le82
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  4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.

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  (612): 4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break. http://tfl.nu/kp6i
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  we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.

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  (612): we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day. http://tfl.nu/zhdr
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  Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  Are you really alive right now?

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  (612): Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath. (1-612): Are you really alive right now? http://tfl.nu/b3cy
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  She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.

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  (612): She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did. http://tfl.nu/uugg
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

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  Nope that was a dude

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  (651): Alls I remember is making out with that chick. (612): Nope that was a dude http://tfl.nu/9vd8
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood

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  (612): Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood http://tfl.nu/1at9
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles

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  (612): I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles http://tfl.nu/axk7
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.

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  (612): Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start. http://tfl.nu/wabc
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