Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Massachusetts (508)

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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night

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  (508): she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night http://tfl.nu/wuxa
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  I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

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  (508): I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking. http://tfl.nu/mdga
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  Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher

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  (508): Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher http://tfl.nu/j0wm
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  in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram

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  (508): in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram http://tfl.nu/qw4a
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  We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?

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  Is that weird?

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  (508): We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am? (913): Is that weird? http://tfl.nu/18nc
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  Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey there's a sandwich in there too!

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  (508): Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay (1-508): Hey there's a sandwich in there too! http://tfl.nu/8qf0
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  Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area

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  (508): Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area http://tfl.nu/7yxw
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  You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.

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  (508): You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston. http://tfl.nu/25jx
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  I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

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  That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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  (508): I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur. (512): That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot? http://tfl.nu/yofn
  Replies (10) Good night (2678) Bad night (501)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?

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  (508): 81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in? http://tfl.nu/31qo
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  Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

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  (508): Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now http://tfl.nu/n0um
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  holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever

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  (508): holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever http://tfl.nu/v6ie
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  You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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  (508): You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up. http://tfl.nu/f7oz
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  I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.

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  (508): I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played. http://tfl.nu/k248
  Replies (4) Good night (1199) Bad night (350)
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  I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.

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  (508): I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver. http://tfl.nu/smcq
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