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He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
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