Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Colorado (303)

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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.

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  (303): Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth. http://tfl.nu/h368
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  Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.

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  (303): Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics. http://tfl.nu/jbty
  Replies (7) Good night (886) Bad night (255)
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  Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...

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  God works in mysterious ways my friend.

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  (720): Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday... (303): God works in mysterious ways my friend. http://tfl.nu/qprf
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  Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.

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  Jesus Christ you're perfect.

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  (307): Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday. (303): Jesus Christ you're perfect. http://tfl.nu/7qs9
  Replies (4) Good night (821) Bad night (266)
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  That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?

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  (303): That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider? http://tfl.nu/firp
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  Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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  (303): Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat http://tfl.nu/1yef
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  So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...

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  (303): So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him... http://tfl.nu/hlup
  Replies (9) Good night (1108) Bad night (355)
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  I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle

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  It's like earning obesity badges

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  (303): I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle (1-303): It's like earning obesity badges http://tfl.nu/mpfd
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  Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.

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  (303): Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE. http://tfl.nu/ysj2
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  You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness

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  (303): You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness http://tfl.nu/eryk
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  Why does my jaw hurt?

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  I may have punched you.

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  (303): Why does my jaw hurt? (402): I may have punched you. http://tfl.nu/tz5g
  Replies (7) Good night (1619) Bad night (347)
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  I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.

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  (303): I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day. http://tfl.nu/g7z2
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  My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.

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  (303): My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief. http://tfl.nu/edfe
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  I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow

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  (303): I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow http://tfl.nu/wseu
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  I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.

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  (303): I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION. http://tfl.nu/audf
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