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Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
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