Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Alabama (205)

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  In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.

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  But happy liver failure. That's what counts.

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  (205): In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure. (205): But happy liver failure. That's what counts. http://tfl.nu/m2wy
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  After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.

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  (205): After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis. http://tfl.nu/x2c8
  Replies (4) Good night (1901) Bad night (411)
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  Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.

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  (205): Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth. http://tfl.nu/rtd2
  Replies (12) Good night (996) Bad night (2126)
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  Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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  (205): Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes. http://tfl.nu/ntyj
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  First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.

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  (205): First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined. http://tfl.nu/ei07
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  I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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  (205): I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter. http://tfl.nu/mhcf
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  Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.

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  (205): Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it. http://tfl.nu/qoct
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  How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?

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  (205): How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people? http://tfl.nu/uhl3
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  I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.

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  (205): I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick. http://tfl.nu/9o5a
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  This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.

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  (205): This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/uwhu
  Replies (3) Good night (632) Bad night (1890) Order T-Shirt
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  I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.

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  (205): I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend. http://tfl.nu/23o0
  Replies (2) Good night (1367) Bad night (646) Order T-Shirt
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  And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.

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  (205): And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk. http://tfl.nu/k7i0
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  They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now

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  (205): They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now http://tfl.nu/ocyi
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  $5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer

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  (205): $5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer http://tfl.nu/vhus
  Replies (9) Good night (2472) Bad night (1136) Order T-Shirt
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  Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.

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  (205): Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/g7ht
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