Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Washington, DC (202)

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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

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  (202): Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship. http://tfl.nu/usel
  Replies (13) Good night (393) Bad night (2136)
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  What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?

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  (202): What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom? http://tfl.nu/x7t2
  Replies (9) Good night (771) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
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  I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.

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  (202): I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here. http://tfl.nu/svec
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  Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.

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  (202): Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice. http://tfl.nu/it26
  Replies (9) Good night (344) Bad night (2370) Order T-Shirt
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  He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.

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  (202): He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot. http://tfl.nu/ubxb
  Replies (3) Good night (336) Bad night (1145) Order T-Shirt
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  Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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  (202): Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out. http://tfl.nu/48b9
  Replies (17) Good night (2060) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
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  I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.

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  (202): I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party. http://tfl.nu/j3cs
  Replies (12) Good night (507) Bad night (1200)
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  Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.

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  (202): Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home. http://tfl.nu/5j3k
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  I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...

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  (202): I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him... http://tfl.nu/dz07
  Replies (7) Good night (776) Bad night (301)
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  She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

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  That wasn't a compliment.

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  (202): She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal." (301): That wasn't a compliment. http://tfl.nu/gg7a
  Replies (14) Good night (507) Bad night (1957)
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  Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Outside

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  (202): Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already (1-202): Outside http://tfl.nu/rkll
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  I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.

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  (202): I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it. http://tfl.nu/il0a
  Replies (12) Good night (1005) Bad night (435)
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  I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water

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  (202): I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water http://tfl.nu/zr61
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  Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef

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  Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!

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  That is the exact response I was looking for.

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  (202): Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef (240): Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst! (202): That is the exact response I was looking for. http://tfl.nu/qkl0
  Replies (7) Good night (1407) Bad night (295)
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  I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.

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  (202): I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school. http://tfl.nu/85a4
  Replies (7) Good night (1616) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt