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It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
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