Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Kansas (785)

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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan

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  (785): Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan http://tfl.nu/6u1u
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.

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  (785): Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective. http://tfl.nu/28pg
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  When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.

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  (785): When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die. http://tfl.nu/c7go
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  My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight

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  (785): My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight http://tfl.nu/4v11
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  We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.

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  (785): We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool. http://tfl.nu/h5uz
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  And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.

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  (785): And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week. http://tfl.nu/s5eh
  Replies (9) Good night (577) Bad night (1794)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.

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  (785): DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS. http://tfl.nu/jicq
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  I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.

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  (785): I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be. http://tfl.nu/axzh
  Replies (7) Good night (329) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.

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  (785): You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark. http://tfl.nu/p2c2
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  I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.

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  (785): I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me. http://tfl.nu/wjzj
  Replies (2) Good night (690) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.

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  (785): Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks. http://tfl.nu/e26o
  Replies (8) Good night (386) Bad night (966)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.

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  (785): They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though. http://tfl.nu/ta81
  Replies (2) Good night (1203) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
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  He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.

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  (785): He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever. http://tfl.nu/1thi
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?

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  (785): The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/iipx
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  What drink are we having for lunch?

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  (785): What drink are we having for lunch? http://tfl.nu/pv1n
  Replies (5) Good night (1062) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt