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Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
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