Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Illinois (630)

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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.

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  (630): She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love. http://tfl.nu/5dr3
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  And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

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  (630): And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear http://tfl.nu/df24
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  I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.

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  (630): I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive. http://tfl.nu/thwy
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  I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.

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  (630): I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver. http://tfl.nu/scdz
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  I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

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  you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

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  (312): I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD" (630): you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you http://tfl.nu/ztcf
  Replies (6) Good night (1875) Bad night (293)
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  you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"

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  (630): you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread" http://tfl.nu/vwcq
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  I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...

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  (630): I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night... http://tfl.nu/aiyg
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  We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning

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  (630): We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning http://tfl.nu/kk2v
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  I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets

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  (630): I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets http://tfl.nu/owc7
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  Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.

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  As weird as it sounds I would totally be down

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  (847): Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks. (630): As weird as it sounds I would totally be down http://tfl.nu/3ahb
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  Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

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  (630): Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick." http://tfl.nu/sgnz
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  She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.

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  (630): She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up. http://tfl.nu/iahr
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  And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards

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  (630): And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards http://tfl.nu/vn30
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  Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.

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  (630): Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll. http://tfl.nu/j17p
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  You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it

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  So thats why that cop beat my ass?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Probably

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  (630): You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it (708): So thats why that cop beat my ass? (630): Probably http://tfl.nu/659z
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