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I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
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