Texts From Last Night

Last Night in New York (518)

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  (518): View more from New York

  i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno

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  (518): i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno http://tfl.nu/fv58
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  i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting

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  (518): i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting http://tfl.nu/x71w
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  Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face

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  (518): Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face http://tfl.nu/t4mk
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  I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.

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  (518): I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here. http://tfl.nu/4g6f
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  I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!

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  (518): I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING! http://tfl.nu/za5e
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  She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.

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  (518): She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog. http://tfl.nu/0zps
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  She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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  (518): She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her http://tfl.nu/ofex
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  i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.

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  (518): i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that. http://tfl.nu/4wam
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  i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?

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  (518): i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone? http://tfl.nu/iu7h
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  The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.

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  (518): The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke. http://tfl.nu/afl9
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  Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?

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  (518): Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation? http://tfl.nu/dtaz
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  He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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  (518): He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock. http://tfl.nu/iuj0
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  you're out of your mind

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  you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear

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  it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence

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  (518): you're out of your mind (518): you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear (518): it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence http://tfl.nu/wmaw
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  he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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  (518): he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name. http://tfl.nu/imhe
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  Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.

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  (518): Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok. http://tfl.nu/9a6a
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