Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Iowa (515)

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  I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home

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  (515): I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home http://tfl.nu/yc18
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  Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha

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  (515): Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha http://tfl.nu/i50q
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  I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.

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  (515): I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head. http://tfl.nu/kz5k
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  I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.

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  (515): I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle. http://tfl.nu/dlxr
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  i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy

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  (515): i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy http://tfl.nu/58yw
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  We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.

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  (515): We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high. http://tfl.nu/7iqu
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  SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.

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  (515): SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me. http://tfl.nu/71wb
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  Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?

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  (515): Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this? http://tfl.nu/vht4
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  Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?

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  (515): Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo? http://tfl.nu/dsc3
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  I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month

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  (515): I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month http://tfl.nu/wdkb
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  Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

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  (515): Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours. http://tfl.nu/5w5c
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  As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.

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  (515): As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck. http://tfl.nu/c7nn
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  She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.

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  (515): She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers. http://tfl.nu/t1ua
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  In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.

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  (515): In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night. http://tfl.nu/3r48
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  It's blow job season.

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  (515): It's blow job season. http://tfl.nu/1yxc
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