Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (847)

Last Night in Illinois (847)

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm banging this nun...

(314): View more from Missouri

Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...

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(847): So I'm banging this nun... (314): Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already... http://tfl.nu/ygf2

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so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner

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(847): so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner http://tfl.nu/rb90

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everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.

(224): View more from Illinois

it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.

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(847): everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool. (224): it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you. http://tfl.nu/qam8

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he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since

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(847): he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since http://tfl.nu/tbwd

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Why did you take off so early

(224): View more from Illinois

No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.

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(847): Why did you take off so early (224): No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know. http://tfl.nu/xucj

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chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.

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(847): chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc. http://tfl.nu/4h93

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I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.

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(847): I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever. http://tfl.nu/o6xg

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3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.

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(847): 3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world. http://tfl.nu/xg24

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There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.

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(847): There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike. http://tfl.nu/ywf1

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Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.

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(847): Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called. http://tfl.nu/lgas

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This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year

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And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month

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(847): This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year (847): And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month http://tfl.nu/rprb

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I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.

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(847): I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help. http://tfl.nu/0kqr

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I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?

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(847): I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops? http://tfl.nu/7gnj

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he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.

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(847): he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants. (1-847): you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him. http://tfl.nu/yg4d

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Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test

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(847): Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test http://tfl.nu/tst5

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Last Night in Illinois (847)

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