Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Kansas (913)

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  (913): View more from Kansas

  The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.

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  (913): The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops. http://tfl.nu/e530
  Replies (13) Good night (1450) Bad night (595)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.

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  (913): I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed. http://tfl.nu/4bjv
  Replies (6) Good night (714) Bad night (224)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?

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  (913): She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car? http://tfl.nu/qi3u
  Replies (13) Good night (1157) Bad night (398)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  "Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.

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  (913): "Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol. http://tfl.nu/3cka
  Replies (6) Good night (1058) Bad night (293)
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  Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.

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  (913): Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon. http://tfl.nu/apie
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????

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  (913): Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise. (816): Sooo grey goose Tuesday????? http://tfl.nu/cvqv
  Replies (6) Good night (991) Bad night (224)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.

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  (913): Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me. http://tfl.nu/qrex
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup

  (868): View more from Trinidad and Tobago-Carib

  So no more sangria road trips?

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  (913): driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup (868): So no more sangria road trips? http://tfl.nu/l0ze
  Replies (1) Good night (312) Bad night (733)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.

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  (913): Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis. http://tfl.nu/77ah
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.

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  (913): But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress. http://tfl.nu/jhgc
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  He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"

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  (913): He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat" http://tfl.nu/few2
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I was told my cock was a religious experience.

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  (913): I was told my cock was a religious experience. http://tfl.nu/13mw
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.

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  (913): I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll. http://tfl.nu/i4my
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.

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  (913): He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me. http://tfl.nu/52qd
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.

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  (913): just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone. http://tfl.nu/qc7n
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