Texts From Last Night

Last Night in New Jersey (862)

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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night

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  (862): You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night http://tfl.nu/zmqw
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  She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone

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  (862): She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone http://tfl.nu/c8bq
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  Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.

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  (862): Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea. http://tfl.nu/cd70
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  It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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  (862): It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy. http://tfl.nu/1k8y
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  That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light

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  (862): That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light http://tfl.nu/4kbw
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  I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?

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  (862): I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this? http://tfl.nu/11gl
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  dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off

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  (862): dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off http://tfl.nu/s9m5
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  I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism

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  (862): I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism http://tfl.nu/6czv
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  I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (862): I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/ecro
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  just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work

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  (862): just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work http://tfl.nu/zbvu
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  Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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  (862): Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside http://tfl.nu/iwzn
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  i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life

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  (862): i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life http://tfl.nu/57hm
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  Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip

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  (862): Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip http://tfl.nu/drj8
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  forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious

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  (862): forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious http://tfl.nu/eea3
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  he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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  (862): he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!" http://tfl.nu/rt63
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