Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Pennsylvania (814)

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  how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?

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  (814): how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus? http://tfl.nu/r0fm
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  Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make

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  (814): Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make http://tfl.nu/r41j
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  Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?

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  (814): Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids? http://tfl.nu/tder
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  In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"

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  (814): In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?" http://tfl.nu/nk2c
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  Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.

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  (814): Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud. http://tfl.nu/jy38
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  I'll be there in a few.

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  I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

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  (814): I'll be there in a few. (717): I'M COUNTING TO FEW. http://tfl.nu/nvfq
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  My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..

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  (814): My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime.. http://tfl.nu/op0p
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  Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road

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  (814): Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road http://tfl.nu/0xhz
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  I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.

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  I think we have a problem.

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  (814): I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom. (724): I think we have a problem. http://tfl.nu/1uid
  Replies (5) Good night (423) Bad night (1425)
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  I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna

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  (814): I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna http://tfl.nu/s83h
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  For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.

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  (814): For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives. http://tfl.nu/zjhm
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  Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?

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  like...quickly.

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  (814): Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision? (814): like...quickly. http://tfl.nu/6pc5
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  "I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."

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  (814): "I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year." http://tfl.nu/a90h
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  Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out

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  (814): Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out http://tfl.nu/2z13
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  Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.

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  (814): Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside. http://tfl.nu/5xt4
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