Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Pennsylvania (717)

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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She needs sedatives and a leash

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  (717): She needs sedatives and a leash http://tfl.nu/ovk2
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  Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.

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  (717): Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe. http://tfl.nu/jnko
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  I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.

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  (717): I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples. http://tfl.nu/i9sk
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  I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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  (717): I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country. http://tfl.nu/ua5o
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  C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not

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  (717): C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not http://tfl.nu/iniv
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  Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture

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  dude you're not even a fucking science major

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  (717): Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture (410): dude you're not even a fucking science major http://tfl.nu/vino
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  As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"

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  (717): As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!" http://tfl.nu/v5cm
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  Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die

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  (717): Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die http://tfl.nu/2ynw
  Replies (3) Good night (315) Bad night (1161)
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  Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.

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  (717): Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU. http://tfl.nu/ziqd
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  I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats

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  (717): I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats http://tfl.nu/ivyy
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  After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.

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  (717): After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again. http://tfl.nu/ujp5
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  Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink

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  (717): Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink http://tfl.nu/xefq
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  I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.

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  (717): I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets. http://tfl.nu/qvke
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  I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.

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  (717): I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that. http://tfl.nu/2l8e
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  all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"

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  (717): all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever" http://tfl.nu/t8bi
  Replies (7) Good night (215) Bad night (1192)