Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Missouri (573)

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  I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me

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  (573): I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me http://tfl.nu/p784
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  Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.

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  (573): Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her. http://tfl.nu/nucq
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  Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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  (573): Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex. http://tfl.nu/smrh
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  I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.

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  (573): I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed. http://tfl.nu/ml69
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  I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.

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  (573): I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner. http://tfl.nu/bcl8
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  I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.

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  (573): I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators. http://tfl.nu/5v6t
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  Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it

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  (573): Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it http://tfl.nu/zdls
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  It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...

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  (573): It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger... http://tfl.nu/ymen
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  She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.

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  (573): She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex. http://tfl.nu/fa1q
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  I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.

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  (573): I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso. http://tfl.nu/7zvg
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  I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.

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  (573): I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING. http://tfl.nu/4gcc
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  He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.

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  (573): He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer. http://tfl.nu/1tmt
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  He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"

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  (573): He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut" http://tfl.nu/oeuu
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  I had him autograph the condom wrapper.

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  (573): I had him autograph the condom wrapper. http://tfl.nu/xdb0
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  Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.

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  (573): Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl. http://tfl.nu/slvk
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