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Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
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