Texts From Last Night

Last Night in New Mexico (505)

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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I hugged the bouncer as we left.

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  (505): I hugged the bouncer as we left. http://tfl.nu/rbxh
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  She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

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  (505): She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before! http://tfl.nu/qmyv
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  Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??

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  (505): Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again?? http://tfl.nu/9q8l
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  Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?

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  (505): Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it? http://tfl.nu/czl6
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  I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.

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  (505): I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome. http://tfl.nu/rp6m
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  Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.

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  (505): Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds. http://tfl.nu/oq4c
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  Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?

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  (505): Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake? http://tfl.nu/87n8
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  Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success

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  (505): Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success http://tfl.nu/y0qf
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  The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.

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  (505): The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it. http://tfl.nu/p90f
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  It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.

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  (505): It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand. http://tfl.nu/gh3l
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  Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.

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  (505): Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit. http://tfl.nu/tchi
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  I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.

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  (505): I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask. http://tfl.nu/ia8j
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  We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.

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  (505): We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it. http://tfl.nu/o399
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  Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.

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  (505): Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you. http://tfl.nu/v68r
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  did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?

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  (505): did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy? http://tfl.nu/wq3k
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