Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Ohio (440)

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  Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.

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  (440): Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis. http://tfl.nu/4osl
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  My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.

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  (440): My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b. http://tfl.nu/x8nr
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  The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.

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  (440): The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult. http://tfl.nu/70ah
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  WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

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  BECAUSE SCIENCE

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  (440): WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS (740): BECAUSE SCIENCE http://tfl.nu/5ndo
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  Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie

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  (440): Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie http://tfl.nu/g1ng
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  New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front

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  (440): New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front http://tfl.nu/k7td
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  Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer

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  (440): Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer http://tfl.nu/t9hh
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  Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.

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  Awkward

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  Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.

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  (614): Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH. (440): Awkward (614): Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again. http://tfl.nu/iqp6
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  Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?

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  (440): Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick? http://tfl.nu/vf93
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  Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.

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  (440): Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great. http://tfl.nu/fk00
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  Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"

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  (440): Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!" http://tfl.nu/2j1e
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  she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday

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  (440): she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday http://tfl.nu/5s11
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  I told you he wasn't attractive.

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  Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..

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  (440): I told you he wasn't attractive. (1-440): Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf.. http://tfl.nu/x2hn
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  I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat

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  (440): I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat http://tfl.nu/9vl7
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  Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.

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  (440): Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me. http://tfl.nu/gd3r
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