Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Follow @tfln