Texts From Last Night

Last Night in New York (631)

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  I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.

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  (631): I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate. http://tfl.nu/leco
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  the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.

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  (631): the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke. http://tfl.nu/6ulb
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  I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.

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  (631): I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song. http://tfl.nu/vyfy
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  My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.

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  (631): My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list. http://tfl.nu/ispc
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  k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.

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  (631): k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not. http://tfl.nu/ari1
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  Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.

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  (631): Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving. http://tfl.nu/bkg4
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  there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby

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  (631): there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby http://tfl.nu/vnsn
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  I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?

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  (631): I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful? http://tfl.nu/fnv5
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  Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson

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  (631): Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson http://tfl.nu/hv6u
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  Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!

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  (631): Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade! http://tfl.nu/mpw5
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  Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.

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  (631): Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car. http://tfl.nu/iiqv
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  I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.

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  (631): I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week. http://tfl.nu/88zi
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  Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?

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  (631): Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out? http://tfl.nu/nikk
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  the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama

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  (631): the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama http://tfl.nu/szy7
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  I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick

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  (631): I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick http://tfl.nu/3foz
  Replies (25) Good night (612) Bad night (3973) Order T-Shirt