Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Colorado (970)

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  (970): View more from Colorado

  she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.

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  (970): she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society. http://tfl.nu/p2lg
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  sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.

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  (970): sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan. http://tfl.nu/zri3
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  She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag

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  (970): She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag http://tfl.nu/lpir
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  I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis

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  (970): I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis http://tfl.nu/924d
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  I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.

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  (970): I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious. http://tfl.nu/cwzo
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  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
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  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

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  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38403) Bad night (3072)
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  You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.

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  (970): You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip. http://tfl.nu/rzap
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  He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster

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  (970): He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster http://tfl.nu/ubg8
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  We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard

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  I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock

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  (970): We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard (970): I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock http://tfl.nu/uy52
  Replies (52) Good night (460) Bad night (2170)
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  Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.

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  I'm that good.

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  (720): Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time. (970): I'm that good. http://tfl.nu/qp5j
  Replies (5) Good night (4037) Bad night (427)
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  Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude

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  You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?

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  Shut the hell up.

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  (970): Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude (1-970): You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ? (970): Shut the hell up. http://tfl.nu/g01x
  Replies (38) Good night (722) Bad night (1831)
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  I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.

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  (970): I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach. http://tfl.nu/dziv
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  Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....

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  (970): Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning..... http://tfl.nu/nrjr
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  i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...

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  (970): i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it... http://tfl.nu/aspw
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