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I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
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